((This picture was taken a while ago))
Because today.. I'm having a big one.
There's a woman that I work with. Let's call her Alice, for anonymity purposes. She's made it clear from Day 1 that she doesn't really like me. I've even heard her talk about me when she thinks I can't hear her- and she doesn't say kind things. I can't say anything though because she's a manager and everybody loves her; they think she's the best person in the world. Being the new person they wouldn't take too kindly to me badmouthing their favourite manager. She has a way of looking at me that makes me feel bad about myself. Why doesn't she like me? What did I do? But today I already feel bad about myself and her 'look' is kind of making me loathe myself.
At the weekend I was trying something new with my hair and managed to burn my neck quite badly with my curling iron (stupid I know). Now that means I have to wear this whopping great big bandage on my neck and every single person that talks to me stares at it. Some are too shy to ask what it is but the people that do seem to question my story as if they don't believe me. Straight away that makes me self-conscious because what else do they think it is? A love bite or something that I'm OTT trying to cover up? But if that's what they think it is then they must think I'm the kind of girl to hookup with random guys at the weekend and that is the total opposite of who I am.
I also, on the same day, had a spot come up the size of Jupiter. I have a relatively clear complexion but when I do get spots they are HUGE- I'm talking Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer huge. This one is on my chin and no matter how hard I try I just can't cover it up. I've watched endless tutorials, bought the right makeup, but no matter what it still shines through it all. Anybody who isn't looking at my neck when they talk to me is looking at my chin and I don't think I've ever felt so insecure about myself.
It probably doesn't help that I have the cold from hell which is preventing me from getting to sleep at night (the black bags under my eyes are unreal). So not only do I have multiple appearance flaws but I don't feel good about myself on the inside.
I can't walk down this insecure road because otherwise it can get me really depressed and I start to question everything in my life and my own happiness. But what can I do?
Everybody gets spots...
This is something I'm going to keep telling myself. A spot that looks like the end of the world to you some others may never notice. A lot of the women I look like are over the age of 30 so they've passed that awkward spotty stage but no doubt the majority of them would've suffered from them at some point. I need to remind myself that a spot is a part of life. It may look bad for a week but there's nothing I can do about it- it shouldn't get me down.
If they don't believe me then that's their problem...
To be honest it's not actually any of their business what happened to my neck. Why should their judgements and opinions impact how I feel about myself? It's easier said than done but I need to ignore their questioning tone and be confident in the fact that I know it's a burn. It doesn't matter what they think. Even if it was a lovebite/hickey- I can live my life the way I want to and no judgemental person can tear me down for it.
Go to bed twenty minutes earlier than normal...
It takes a bit of time to wind down at the end of the day right? I think tonight I'm going to go up earlier than normal and just lay in the dark. If I dose up on my cold and flu medicine right before bed, use vicks and olbas oil to relieve the sniffles then just maybe I could get to sleep at a normal-ish time.
Hopefully making these few changes into my routine and way of thinking then I'll start to feel better about myself and life can get back to the way it was. If you have any stories about feeling insecure or a person that makes you feel bad about yourself please talk to me about it. I'd love to hear from you.
As always, much love to those of you that read my posts.
Signing off, Lauren
xoxo
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